The Promise

The last time I visited Mom, her condition tore my heart. After an incident, which happened because she was being “creative” or was trying to be “independent”, she couldn’t even walk to the bathroom because it was too painful. Usually my sister and her husband took Mom to the healer’s place during the weekend. Maybe Mom didn’t want to trouble my sister’s hubby, so she hired two men to take her to her usual healer. The men were not trained to help frail old ladies. They were a bit rough during a particularly difficult part of the path towards the healer’s home, and my mother hurt her back. A few days later she couldn’t even get out of bed. She called a masseuse, who rubbed her back for a few minutes. A couple of days later she called another masseuse, who rubbed her back for about an hour. The pain got worse. She called her usual healer to come. His assistant said he was busy, he usually don’t do home visits, etc. etc. She sent the helper to the healer’s place, more than once. She sent my sister-in-law to talk to fetch the healer, several times. In the end the healer gave in an come. Mom was as happy as a little girl, which was scary to watch. But even her favourite healer couldn’t help. We took her to a Chinese herbalist, who stuck some medicine on her back. The pain became so bad that Mom even agreed to wear diapers, something that she fought so hard against in the past. She agreed to have an X-ray, another thing that she also fought against in the past. And this was after the doctor came to our home and told us about her life’s story. The doctor cried, and I cried, and Kak N (a relative who is like an older sister to us) cried. A few days later Mom agreed to have an X-ray. It turned out that she had fractures at a couple of places. She had to stay in bed.

Before I went home, Mom borrowed money from several people. She borrowed money from the helper’s aunt, of all people, even though every month she receives more money than most of my friends in Jakarta who are working full time. She receives more money that the combined money of a friend and her husband. And what did she do with the money? She asked me to count it, and asked me to take a big wad. She got very angry when I refused. I asked her how she was going to pay her debts, she told me my brother was going to give her some money. I took some of the money and left some in her cupboard. When I got back to Sydney, I called her and said that I just got a big order and I would send her some money. She refused. A couple of weeks later she texted me and asked me to call. I called and she asked me to send the money that I offered. So I sent back the money that she gave to me. Crazy..

It is very clear to me that my Mom cannot be trusted to make logical judgements anymore. She has always had her own set of logics, but clearly at present it is very close to a judgement of an 11-year-old school girl. And yet she is still running the show. She is still making the decisions and giving the orders. It's just mad..

I was planning to come home to take care of her. But when she asked me to do the very same thing, I felt very disappointed. Who is this very selfish lady who is asking me to leave my own life behind for her sake? Who is this lady who has such low regards on my efforts and achievements that she thinks I am better off staying home, not working, and play nanny for the rest of her life? Who is this lady who is not concerned at all about my future after she is gone? As I said Mom has always had her own set of logics and with her very good intentions had very often hurt people left right and center and sometimes caused more harm than good. Afterwards she bitterly complained about how ungrateful people were to her. She attributed all the bad things that happened to people she knew to what they had done to hurt her. The things she did to me, either to educate, or to get extra money for the family, or to make me more presentable, scarred me for life. But she’s my mother. She was often an awful mom but I know she did her best.

I promised I would come home. And time is ticking. Days go by in a flash and very soon I have leave my home in Sydney. I have set my advertisements to stop in a couple of month's time. Soon I will have to write and submit a letter of resignation to all the agencies who have been employing me as a panelist. Then I will have to sort out my garbage. I will throw out or give away what I cannot take. I will ask if I could leave some boxes here. Maybe I have to send some. And then it’s time for travel arrangements. And then it’s time to say goodbye to all the things that I love. Another chapter of my life will end, and a new one will start. I am determined to enjoy my time with Mom. I will enjoy the idleness. I will travel, learn to drive, learn new skills, have new adventures. I will paint and draw again. Maybe I could even work and earn some money, hopefully legally. The only shadow that darkens the picture are questions: What will I do when this is over? Can I ever come back? I would be a few years older, but not more experienced, not more skilled. My body would be weaker and my brain would be slower. But who am I to predict what the future holds? Who could say whether I would even be around tomorrow and in what shape? All I could do is hope that I am doing the right thing, and that everything else will take care of itself.