Absurd

One week into 2007, I was on my way home from a trip to the city. I was thinking of how absurd my life was. I had resigned from my job here, thinking I was going home to my own country. Then the doctor told me that the result from the needle biopsy was not good. After all the horror of the surgeries last year, I would be going through the whole nightmare all over again. So I resigned from my job in Jakarta, hoping that the superannuation money would help me through some of the bills. My family had been urging me to stay here permanently. But I can’t. Not without further studies at uni, which costs too much.

I’m 35. Jobless, penniless, with a costly medical condition, and truckloads of emotional baggage that had kept me from making anything out of myself. A parasite in the family. Stuck. What am I living for? Nothing. Maybe it would be better if I didn’t exist. I wanted to disappear. How could I make myself disappear?

These were my thoughts when the cell phone beeped. It was a message from a close friend in Singapore. “May, adik gue, Huat, meningggal tadi pagi.” Her brother had passed out and died that morning. He was only 30, with no known history of illness. I was shocked. My poor friend, and her grieving parents...

Life, indeed, is absurd. I don’t understand any of this.